The meaning of sexual consent: why sexual consent is so important.
Susan works as a Sexual Health Consultant for the GGDrU and Rutgers, where she advocates for positive sexual education with a focus on sexual pleasure and consent. Cycle spoke with Susan about the important subject of consent.
What is sexual consent?
Susan: “Originally, consent was understood as ‘compliance’. Sexologist Ellen Laan was the first to advocate not speaking of ‘compliance’ but of ‘agreement’ when speaking about consent. I think that that’s a beautiful idea, since it’s a continuous communication process, somewhat like a dance. For younger people, it’s usually easier to speak of wishes and boundaries, since the meaning of ‘consent’ isn’t always clear. Sadly, we aren’t really used to speaking about agreement, and we think that ‘it should happen naturally’.”
Why is it so important?
Susan: “Sex is an important part of life. You can use it to express love, affection, and intimacy. It gives you the feeling of ‘being seen’. Enjoyable sex is always consensual sex. I consider the two to be linked to one another. If there’s no consent, then we’re not speaking about sex but about abuse, assault, or even rape. Sex is something that should always happen in agreement. Sex without agreement still happens. 1 in 10 (particularly young) women experience pain during penetrative sex, often because they aren’t aroused and therefore wet enough to move into penetrative sex. Everyone should know that individuals with a vulva also need to have a ‘stiff clitoris’ in order to have enjoyable and pain-free penetrative sex, just like how those with a penis need to have a stiff penis.”
How can you find out where your own boundaries lie (and not only after the fact)?
Susan: “It’s primarily about figuring out what you do enjoy. When you know that, you also know what things you don’t want. That’s what it should be about. This is a learning process. We know that children who have had extensive relationship- and sexual education from an early age are more resilient. The more you’re taught a sex-positive outlook from an early age, that sex is part of life and should be enjoyable, the better prepared you will be when you are older. Sexual education that’s focused on sexual enjoyment and consent adds to our sexual autonomy and also has a preventative effect. Research has shown that women who consider their own pleasure to be just as important as that of their partner run a lower risk of experiencing sexual violence.*
It truly is a life-long learning process. As time goes on, you’ll have a better grasp on what you do and don’t want. What is important is that you discover what you enjoy. Masturbating, self-pleasure, can be very good for this since you’ll be able to feel what you find enjoyable and thus what works for you.
Sexual pleasure is often seen as something that’s ‘for men’, but thankfully that’s changing. Women are sexual beings, just like men, and so we’re really not all that different from one another. So, let’s get rid of the orgasm-gap!”
When do you ask for consent?
Susan: “It’s not something that you only ask for once. See it like an ongoing dance that you’re doing together. That’s a continuous process in which you repeatedly check in if everything is okay with yourself and each other. That’s also how it works for sex and touching. Keep making sure you’re in agreement, Of course, you don’t have to ask yourself and each other if everything is still nice every other second. Surrendering and trust are also important, and agreement is both a verbal and non-verbal thing.”
How do you ask for consent?
Susan: “I think we often find ourselves in a ‘sex script’, where one action almost automatically leads to another. That doesn’t have to be the case. Of course, you can stop during sex if you’re not feeling it (anymore) or if you’d like to take a break. It’s not useful to speak of foreplay and afterplay, since it implies that penetrative sex is the most important ‘act’. Of course, that’s not true, and it certainly isn’t the reality for everyone.
My advice is to really discover yourself. Get to know your body, and try to feel what is enjoyable for you. What is your accelerator during sex, and what is your brake? What’s your desire or fantasy, and do your surroundings matter to you? Is it nice to have sex when you’re stressed, or not? Should the house be tidy, or can it be messy? All things that can matter.
It’s best to be clear. That doesn’t mean you have to be blunt, you can convey it nicely and positively. Make it known, either verbally or nonverbally, what you like. That’s exciting for you and your partner. No one can read your mind!”
What isn’t consent?
Susan: “Sex without agreement is difficult for me to grasp. Like I said, sexual activity without agreement isn’t sex to me. That’s assault and/or rape.”
How do you deal with hearing ‘no’ without things becoming awkward?
Susan: “You should see ‘no’ as a beautiful thing. It gives clarity and shows that someone feels comfortable enough to be honest with you. We often view it as a personal rejection, but it really just is your partner letting you know what’s enjoyable for them. That’s great, and you should view it as a compliment.”
“Only when you know what a ‘yes’ feels like, you’ll be able to say ‘no’ (Ellen Laan)”.
How do you do that without it becoming a sort of interview that takes away the spontaneity or ruins the mood?
Susan: “Agreement can be very sexy. It’s bullshit to think that it’s unromantic or ruins the mood. It does the opposite. It’s exciting and sexy when you know what you want and don’t want. How can the question ‘I’d like it if you did this, now, Would you want to do that?’ be anything except for sexy?
If you’d like more in-depth information and want to include consent in your life, take a look at ‘The Wheel of Consent’ by Berry Martin. It’s a lovely way to discover what your wishes and boundaries are.”
You can find Susan at www.seksuelevorming.nl.
*Kettrey from the 2018 research paper “Bad Girls” Say No and “Good Girls” Say Yes
