Unwanted pregnancy: Puck talks about her abortion experience
Committing abortion for an unwanted pregnancy is the only medical treatment in the Netherlands that is still in the Code of Criminal Procedure. As if it were a criminal act. Cycle believes that having an abortion should not be accompanied by shame. Talk about your abortion! With you, an average of 30,000 women a year make the choice for an abortion*, so you are not alone. Talking helps with psychological processing and breaks the taboo.
We talked to Puck (28):
I heard that it’s more difficult to conceive after having an abortion. That gave me a heart attack. What if I can’t have any children anymore? I am so scared that I’ll end up regretting it. The thought of that gives me a lot of anxiety.
It has now been two years since I had an abortion. I was 25, still a student, and I was single. I went to London together with a friend of mine and we went out. We met a couple of cute guys there and I think everyone knows how it goes. Drunk, went home with one of the cute guys, had sex. We used a condom, but… Well, we lost the condom after we had sex. I found it again deep inside me and was only just able to pull it out with the tip of my nail. I didn’t use birth control, because - I reasoned - I didn’t have a boyfriend and I always wanted to use a condom for safety anyways.
‘It was drunk sex with someone from another country’
The next morning I immediately took the morning-after pill, but I think I had sex on my most fertile days because the pill did not work. Six weeks later, I suddenly became so nauseous overnight and it just didn’t stop. Looking back, I already knew I was pregnant then. The positive test result was just a confirmation of what I already knew deep down to be true. Panic! But somewhere also peace. I knew immediately that I couldn’t keep it. I couldn’t support a child financially, it wasn’t planned, I was still in college, and it was drunk sex with someone from another country. Not exactly a good basis for having a child. Besides: I have wanted children all my life, but I want them with the love of my life, not with a one night stand.
I first told my mom and later I also told my dad. They both reacted in such a kind manner and told me that they would support whatever decision I would make. They also told me that they would help me if I decided to keep it. I went to my GP for an intake meeting and got a mandatory wait time of a week*. I was so incredibly aware of the life that was growing inside that I started to question my decision. What would it be like if I were to keep it? I knew that I had enough love to give and everything would be alright. Especially with the help my parents had offered me. But I just couldn’t envision it.
I was eight weeks pregnant when I went to Beahuis & Bloemenhove abortion clinic in Heemstede for a surgical abortion. Everyone was so kind and nice, it was a very pleasant atmosphere. They made an ultrasound to see how far along I really was. I didn’t want to see the ultrasound, but one of the nurses had accidentally left the file with the photo unfolded on the desk, so I did see it. That was very intense. I saw a blob the size of an egg and suddenly my pregnancy had changed from something abstract into something tangible. You tell yourself that it is still so small and it’s not a living thing, but that all changed.
Still, I decided to push through. A week later, I was put under anesthesia before the surgery. When I woke up I knew instinctively that it was gone. A literal void had filled my belly. Afterwards, one of the heaviest and most difficult periods of my entire life started with a deep, intense grief. I hadn’t expected that to happen at all. I fully supported the decision I had made, that was not the reason. That grief was mostly hormonal, but it took me by surprise. I hadn’t expected the big feelings my abortion brought on at all. More attention should be paid to that. Having access to psychologists at the clinic, for example, because now abortion treatment in the Netherlands is basically without follow-up.
‘Do I regret my abortion? Absolutely not’
I still think about it a lot, but in that phase of my life it was definitely the right thing to do for me. I do have a slight fear that I won't be able to get pregnant again after this or that I won't find the right partner. Will I regret it then? And what if I were to get pregnant now and I’d keep it? I think I’d struggle with that a little: why keep this child but not the other one? I want to make one thing clear, I don’t think I’m a slut. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel any shame. How will others think of me if they know about this? Whereas, if someone else does this, I see it as her own decision entirely and nothing changes in how I view that person.
Our generation doesn't care about one night stands, but subconsciously I still judge myself for it. I was drunk and hadn't said I wasn't on the pill. Stupid.
But then again, a man always just assumes that the woman will take care of it all. I find that a very strange thing in this society. Only my parents, best friends, sister and brother know. I recently told my little brother mainly because I wanted to make him aware of the responsibility he has when he has sex with a girl. Do I regret my abortion? Absolutely not. But it is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
Tips of the Cycle psychotherapist
Finally, psychotherapist Cobie Lutters has some tips for women facing the choice to terminate a pregnancy. “Most women who have had an abortion are at peace with it. The reason for abortion, whether it was free choice or you were (forced) to decide, plays a role. Nevertheless, an abortion remains a traumatic experience. Allow it to affect you; that works best for the coping process. Some women get tangled up with themselves because they did not adequately weigh and live through the process earlier. Then, if you do want children later in life and it doesn’t work out, for example, you can have mental health problems with that. It is enormously important that women facing this decision talk about it. This does not necessarily have to be with a therapist, it can also be with a confidant, such as a good friend, your mother, sister, or partner. Do you not have someone close to you that you trust enough to talk about it? Then seek professional counseling. In addition, it is always advisable to put the decision to abort on paper, so that you can always recall later why and how you came to the decision.”
Do you want to read more personal stories about abortion? Cycle spoke with Maxime (28) about her experience with abortion.
* The legal 5 day 'waiting term' is no longer applicable
* (Source: Fiom)
