Manon (21) experiences pain during sex
Glaring pain during sex and a burning sensation in your vagina. Not exactly an inviting recipe for amazing sex. Economics student Manon (21) knows all about it. She developed pelvic floor hypertonia in her teens, a condition where the pelvic floor muscles are overly tight and unable to relax. In most cases, the causes are psychological. For Manon, however, the cause is a combination of intense sports, high-level modeling, and a distorted view on sex. ‘My current boyfriend made me realize it’s not okay to cry out in pain during sex.’
"I’ll get used to it, is what I thought the first time I ever had sex. I was a teenager too preoccupied with how I presented myself to focus on my own pleasure. I knew all about birth control, STDs and abortion, but how to enjoy sex and masturbation? We were never educated on those topics. I didn’t get used to it, sex didn’t get good, it just started to hurt more and more.
At the start, this didn’t seem like too big of a problem, because I met boys who were respectful to me and my needs. They did ask me how I liked it in bed, but what did I know, I never even considered thinking about it. My current boyfriend is the first person to really confront me about my image of sex. He wanted me to guide him and show him how I liked it. That’s when it finally made sense: this is not normal."
Pelvic floor hypertonia greatly affects those who have the condition. During sex, it’s important to relax the pelvic floor muscles. If not, the vaginal opening is too tense and can feel rigid, making sex an unpleasant, painful experience often accompanied by a stinging, burning sensation. You may also experience other symptoms, such as abdominal pain, urinary problems, stool problems, and pain in the hips, lower back or referred pain in the upper thighs.
An overly tense pelvic floor is most common in young women and women nearing the menopause, especially if they have any negative feelings towards their lower regions. Pelvic floor hypertonia is also more common in women who have had negative sexual experiences in the past or after pain, such as complications during surgery or after a vaginal infection. However, it’s also quite common that there is no clear cause.
"my lower body is constantly strained due to stress and working on set"
In Manon’s case, multiple factors are at play. "I’ve always been active doing various sports: ballet, horseback riding, gymnastics and competitive rowing. A doctor pointed out to me that all these sports put tension on the abdominal muscles, and as a result, you also tighten your pelvic floor muscles. In retrospect, this might have contributed to my pelvic floor hypertonia significantly. On top of this, I travel a lot due to my modeling work and I often have to stay in remote locations with little comfort. It’s a regular occurrence that I don’t get much sleep and I also have to pay attention to my posture at all times during a shoot. Your body is tense the entire time. For example, leaning against a chair with your back straight, because you need to show the shirt you’re wearing. Everything is put in a specific position from your toes to the top of your head, so what might look comfortable in the photo is far from it in reality. Due to stress and work on set, my lower body is constantly strained.
All these factors only amplified each other. My lower body and pelvis are constantly tightened to the point where my vaginal ligaments get a burning sensation upon touch. Inserting a tampon and having sex became more sensitive. The pain during sex came and went, but it steadily got worse and worse every time. At first, things were fine between Joel and I, and I only experienced pain during sex occasionally. But at one point, I cried out in pain and frustration everytime. This didn’t only impact me, but Joel as well. It pained him to see me like this.
Joel told me over and over that this wasn’t normal. He suggested that I visit the doctor. My GP, however, sent me home saying that I should just use more lube. How blunt. Eventually, I went to another GP. Her response was very different and open. She asked a bunch of questions. Together, we took a look at my entire sexual history, from the first time to my attitutes towards sex. I was also asked to point out where the pain was located in a photo."
"the gynecologist noted that everything down there was overly tense"
"I was referred to a gynecologist who noted that everything down there was overly tense. Physiotherapy should help. The moment I was finally diagnosed was very emotional to me. The pain wasn’t a vague concept I just had to deal with anymore. Now it was a clear condition I could work on. I’m in the middle of the procedure and that's great, but also frustrating at times. It takes as long to get rid of the tension as it took to develop it. It’s not easily fixed by doing a couple of exercises, mental and physical rest are just as important. It’s almost a lifestyle change.
I’ve been working on recovery for three months now. Stretching exercises, yoga, pilates, vaginal dilator therapy, and practicing to relax my lower body and legs the best I can. I still have a long way to go, but sex is slowly improving. Mentally, it’s also hard work. It’s impossible to separate body and mind. If sex hurts for too long, your brain starts sending out signals telling you to stop penetration. Even if all my muscles are relaxed and my pelvic floor is loose, the association with pain remains and it still causes me to cramp up. This is something I have to solve together with my partner and that’s difficult for the both of us.
It was difficult for him as well, to see what sex was doing to me. It hurt him a lot to see me in such pain. Eventually, we both came to the decision to do everything regarding sex except penetration. That was a big relief to both of us. No more doubts or stress, we both knew our boundaries and that gave us more freedom and pleasure. I’m pretty confident that penetration will be possible, painless, and comfortable again, but right now, my body is still too tense. We’ll carefully start trying again after a while. If it still doesn’t work we want to visit a sexologist."
"it appears that my friends have all kinds of problems I didn’t know about as well"
"Why am I telling you all this? I want to break the culture that dictates you have to be the perfect partner in every aspect. In our society, it’s always about sexual liberty, how often you do it, and in which positions. You rarely hear about relationships, feeling safe in your sexuality, and discussing the nitty gritty. Everything has to be beautiful and pleasing, but my story is raw and honest. I’m embarrassed, but it’s important to tell my story.
The good thing about this entire story is that it has enabled me to be more open about my emotions and body. There was this huge blockade in my head about the experiences of my body during sex. Pure fear and shame. But that goes away once you’ve talked about it fifty times. It was scary, but also nice to talk about it with friends. It appears that my friends have all kinds of problems I didn’t know about as well. The knowledge that I have the power to improve my body feels empowering as well."
Pain during sex is something (too) many women deal with. 10% of women has pain during penetrative sex, but choose to push through anyways. And 30 to 40% of women has a period in their life where they experience pain during sex. Do you want to know more about possible causes and what you can do about it? Read about the most common causes here.
Want to read more? Read Linda’s story here.
